How to Get Over a Break-Up and The Real Reason Why You Feel Like Crap That No One Ever Talks about!
Most articles written about breakups piss me off because they sound banal and cliche; band-aids that don’t get down to the root of the problem. That is why I’ve written how to get over a breakup to give real results and help you to fix other problems in the future…..But First, let me be clear that this step is important.
Accept your pain
You can begin to heal when you allow yourself to feel sad.
“Once you are clear on the process you have to go through, you have some control over how you experience it.” - unknown
As illustrated, In stages 1–4 cry, get pissed, eat pints of ice cream and do all the cliche things the broken-hearted do to feel better, self-care, journal, and see friends.
During my breakup, I took to youtube and google for help
Once you get to the stage of acceptance, you may be ready to acknowledge the part you played in your pain.
This discomfort may seem like bad news about yourself at first but it is the necessary insight for growth,
Now here is the bad news and The Real Reason Why You Feel Like Crap That No One Ever Talks about:
The good news is that you are more in control of what causes you pain than you think. Sometimes bad can be good, who knows!
Once you realize the majority of the pain you feel can be controlled by understanding a few concepts, you’ll start seeing this break-up as possibly your new success story of strength. But until then:
Take a look in the mirror
How you feel is never about any one else…it’s about how you feel about yourself
When you have money, sex and fame you feel security, love, and pride you feel for yourself. Sex, fame and fortune are just paper, flesh, and flash. On their own those things are meaningless
What gives life it’s meaning is how these things made you feel about yourself.
Similarly, Its not your ex that you miss. It was the way you felt when you were with your ex that you miss. Understanding this concept makes it easier for you to move on.
People tend to attach their identity to their relationships, jobs or material things. One can think they don't even exist as an indvidual without these attachments. These Nouns…People, places or things are outside of ourselves.
They are NOT who we are but if you're not careful, you start developing a dependency on these outside influences to fulfill our souls.
We create ideas of who we are BECAUSE we have these relationships, jobs or material things.
The idea of a relationship vs the lover
People wrap their very soul and identity to an Idea.
That is what makes breaks up so painful we identified with being with this person and without them, we feel lost. On one hand, there is the person you miss and on the other hand, there is this idea of a perfectly happy realtionship.
You have to separate the person from your dream. The idea of a relationship vs the lover
X the lover and keep the dream!
A lot of the time we grieving over the loss of an idealistic Disney dream more than the person.
Pain is caused when you think your future was stolen from you.
You saw yourself happily raising a family and growing old with your lover. Now that your lover is gone, you think your’ happily ever after ’ future is gone too. Primal fear sets in and you begin to doubt your ability to love again or worse anyone’s ability to love you.
Human beings tend to get more emotionally wrapped up by a perception story and meaning of an event than the actual event. Consider your pain comes from the lost of a” happily ever after” story more than the X lover.
Once you Separate the idealized story from the person, you have hope for the future.
Healing from the pain of breakup takes time but put more accurately, its the time it takes for you to envision yourself with someone else while accepting the end of your old relationship.
After my breakup, my pain subsided much easier when I realized that what I was mourning was the Disney princess movie dream of a future more than the person.
When the cold hard truth was my ex lover was emotionally unavailable, coke head from the projects!
After that Ah ha moment it was much easier to detach the person from my future. My dream for the future wasn’t stolen
I can keep the dream. I owned that!
I'm happily living that new dream with my husband
Until you find a way to own you own shit, claim it, dissect it and understand your part you played in your pain, you’ll carry that bag of shit in your next relationships, guaranteed!
The truth and perception of the truth.
When we mix up the truth with the perception of truth, the story we create in our thoughts can cause needless anxiety, worry, and fear.
Dramatic comedies are written about this tragic mix up, for example:
A breakup story
Truth: A boyfriend text his girlfriend 4 hours ago and she did not reply because she was sleeping. Her phone was switched to silent mode so she did not hear his 7 missed calls.
Perception of Truth: This makes him feel unloved, rejected, and ignored. So now he’s angry. All kinds are thoughts going through his head. He thinks, “my girlfriend doesn’t appreciate me”,
“I didn't do anything to deserve this”,
“Why should I put up with this bullshit?”
Back story: Boyfriend felt ignored by his mother as a child so when his girlfriend didn’t call that triggered his abandonment issues. His abandonment issues triggered fear of being alone. This is the fear that caused the anger because he already made up a story in his mind that he was deliberately being ignored.
That’s the thing; Its Just a Story!
Action-based on his perception of truth: Boyfriend blocks his girlfriend’s number, therefore abandoning and ignoring her.
The girlfriend broke up with him by default because all her calls were blocked.
By the time her girlfriend woke up and sees the 7million missed calls and angry text, The boyfriend is already convinced the relationship is over and it is!
A self-fulfilling prophecy because the boyfriend got exactly what he feared the most. Abandonment.
The number 1 reason for prolonging of emotional pain is the meaning we place on things. This can be big as the meaning of God or as simple as meaning you place on your girlfriend not texting you back.
If we mix up the perception of truth for truth, Simple things can be perceived as MUCH BIGGER than it actually is. Also, when people overreact based on the perception of truth, this can make matters much worse!
Understanding your emotions
Being alone is one of the worse fears human beings have because once upon a time we died from being alone.
Human Beings at the most basic level are animals that are trying to survive. How we try survive is to avoid pain. A heartbreak triggers fear or threat needs being met
After all, once your relationship isn’t filling your need isn’t it already dying for you?
You will be upset if these basic needs aren’t met.
At an end of a relationship, the need for closure is not necessary to find the truth
At this point, I had a “moving on” ceremony to signify the end of the relationship to put the past in the past.
You must first clear a healthy space during a heartbreak to healing. If you don’t take the time to do these 2 things first, you will feel even worse in the future.
- Accept your pain
- Remove your Triggers
Remove your Triggers
Breakups are agonizing and devastating because you lost a loved one.
A relationship ending can feel very much like a death. If you are going through it, I'm sorry. It truly sucks!
This is why you should act as if your ex is actually dead while you are grieving.
“Don’t just cut off contact. Amputate it.
If there’s ONE TRUTH to getting over a breakup, it’s to completely and ruthlessly cut off contact.”- Oz Chen
Remove triggers so you can grief with clarity.
- Get rid of pictures
- Get rid of all personal items
- Block phone numbers
- Delete texts
- Unfollow on social media
How are you going to accept and get over your pain if your ex is in your face everywhere you go?
Sure you could be friends in the future but not in the near future. Give it at least 6 months depending on the intensity and length of the relationship to even consider speaking to your ex again.
side note: Some of this may not work with married couples,couples that work together or couples with shared property, pets or kids. keep your conversation brief and if possible through text and email. Make sure you cancel shared accounts, Hulu, Netflix etc.
And for goodness sake …do NOT use your shared pets, kids, or anything as just an excuse to drop by. It’s not fair to you or the other person.
If you must, you can even tell your X you are cutting off contact but do not let this be an excuse to talk and have a long conversation, keep it brief. After you send that email or text, let that be the last attempt to contact…then block, delete & amputate your X’s contact.
This is so you can go through the grieving process in peace.
Here are other related articles I wrote:)
Did you know I was a little rich girl? With pool boys, gardeners, and maids. The whole nine…Yet I felt so guilty about it because I identified money with “not being fair to other people” so I refuse prosperity and hung out with bums until I was absolutely Broke…..But I saw the light